I am so hungry; I haven’t eaten in days. My hunting skills used to be the envy of every other wolf in the forest. Now it seems as though I can’t even catch a three-legged rabbit. Ever since I lost my job and was kicked out of my pack, I’m all messed up. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think straight. It wasn’t my fault either! I’m a victim of circumstance, I tell you, a victim of circumstance! I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now my life has fallen into ruin. I’ve been framed, I must have been! Whoever stole the alpha’s prized detonator cost me my job at the Lupine Demolition Company. I just happened to be in the supply closet at the time, I really wasn’t doing anything! Now everyone thinks I’ve stolen it and the alpha kicked me out. So now I’m all alone, cold, hungry, and lacking a steady paycheck. Blowing things down was all I was ever good at, what will I do now?
I’m still hungry, though. I need to eat. So far, all my attempts to catch myself something to eat have ended in failure—absolute failure. I’ve tripped over logs, fallen in the mud, gotten hit in the face with rocks countless of times… the list goes on and on. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve eaten. It’s not easy being the Big Bad Wolf these days; it seems as if all the animals have left the forest. Oh, the things I would do for a tasty deer, a rabbit, or, if I’m lucky, maybe a pig.
Speak of the devil. Do my eyes deceive me?? There’s a pig right over there! Wait a minute…there’s two pigs! No, three! Oh, this is my lucky day!! Okay, control yourself B.B., don’t just run out and scare them away, like last time. This is going to take some carefully thought-out strategy.
I crouch behind a tree and eavesdrop on their conversation. Apparently, they are brothers and are planning to build their own houses. The rather stupid looking one, Cletus, is walking away from his brothers, so I follow him. A little further up the road he comes across a man pushing a cart and yelling: “Get your hay here, hay for sale!” Cletus approaches him and says aloud to himself: “Hay, I reckon that would be a perdy good thing to build my house with.”
“If you say so, pig,” the straw vendor says.
So Cletus buys some hay with whatever currency pigs use and proceeds to build his hay house. He doesn’t do a very good job, since hay is not a very good building material. He eventually settles on putting the hay in a big pile and burrowing into it. I can’t go eat him now, seeing as the straw vendor is still there, so I walk through the forest to see what the other pigs are doing. I see the second pig, Chuck, walking alone. Just as I am about to pounce on him, I notice a stick vendor, who is yelling: “Get your sticks here, perfect for hitting things or building easily collapsible structures!” Chuck eagerly approaches the stick vendor and says aloud to himself: “Oh, sticks! These will be perfect for building my house.”
“If you say so, pig,” says the stick vendor.
So Chuck buys some sticks and starts to build his home. It looks more like a house than the hay one, but it still looks easy to destroy. Once again, I cannot attack due to the presence of the vendor so I proceed through the forest to see what the third pig, Cornelius, is doing. I come across him just as he’s approaching a brick vendor, who is shouting: “Get your bricks here! Perfect for throwing through windows with notes attached!”
“I’ll take one hundred of your finest bricks, my good man. These will be perfect for constructing my new edifice,” says Cornelius.
“If you say so, pig,” the brick vendor says. “Then again, I am the dumbest of the four vendor brothers.”
Cornelius starts to draw blueprints and then builds the foundation, the walls, and the roof of his new home. It’s taking the pig so long that I got bored and walked back through the forest to find Cletus sitting in his hay bale. When I arrive, the straw vendor packs up his cart and starts to walk away. Soon after the stick vendor had passes by, followed by the brick vendor. Perfect, I think. After I eat Cletus I’ll be able to move right on to his brothers. I run right out of the forest and up to the hay house.
“Little pig, little pig, let me come in.”
“That you, Chuck?” Cletus asks.
“No, I’m the Big Bad Wolf. I’m here to eat you,” I answer.
“Oh, then not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!”
“What are you talking about? Anyway, then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down.”
I take a huge breath and blow it out. The hay bale erupts into a storm of hay. I can’t see anything through the clouds of dust and strands of hay. By the time things had settle down, the pig is long gone. He must have gone to his brother’s house, I think. Oh well, I’ll just have to eat two of them at once. I walk down the path and stop in front of the stick house which Cletus had just run into.
“Cletus, nice to see you. Do you like my new house?” asks Chuck.
“There’s no time to talk ‘bout that now. A wolf just tried to eat me up,” Cletus says, looking nervously out the window.
“What!? Then why’d you lead him here, you idiot?”
“Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in,” I yell from outside.
“Not by the hair on our chinny-chin-chins!” Cletus replies.
“What are you talking about, Cletus?” Chuck asks.
“I wondered the same thing earlier. Anyway, then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down,” I tell them.
I take a deep breath and blow. The house collapses and, just as I’m about to eat them, Chuck picks up a stick and throws it at my face. I collapse onto the ground, screaming in pain. I lay there for a while, feeling miserable because of the pain in my face as well as my extreme hunger. I get up and stalk down the path with tightly clenched fists.
When I get to the house, I growl and yell: “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!”
“Not by the hair on our chinny-chin-chins!” shouts Cletus in reply.
“Why do you keep saying that??” asks Chuck. “It doesn’t make any sense!”
“Then I’ll huff…”
I take a deep breath.
“…and I’ll puff….”
I take in more air.
“…and I’ll blow your house down!”
I release all the air I have gathered in my mouth, but nothing happens. I try again, and again, and again, but still nothing happens.
“Don’t worry, my fellow hams, he’ll never get in. I bought these bricks from a very reputable vendor,” Cornelius assures.
At that moment, I remember what the brick vendor had said about being one of four vendor brothers. I wonder what the fourth vendor sells?
“Sulfuric acid! Get your sulfuric acid! Perfect for burning holes into things!”
I approach him and ask him for a jar.
“You wouldn’t be planning to use this acid to burn through a brick wall in order to eat some pigs, now would you?” the vendor asks.
“Of course not,” I answer.
“Well then, here you go.”
“Thank you, sir, but I don’t have any money,” I say.
“Tell ya what, since I like you so much, it’s on the cart.”
“Really? Oh thank you, sir!”
“Don’t mention it,” the vendor shrugs.
I run back down the path and stop in front of the brick house. “Little pigs, little pigs, I’m coming in!”
I spray the acid on the wall and it starts to smoke. Soon, a huge hole has formed. I jump through the smoke and land in front of the pig brothers. They try to run away, but I grab Cletus before he can get very far. I throw him up in the air, catch him in my mouth, and swallow him whole. I run after my other two meals and catch Chuck. He squirms and tries to break free, but he meets the same fate as his brother. I look for Cornelius, but he is nowhere in sight. I turn and around and see him jumping through the hole in the wall. I run out after him and chase him out onto the path, where I soon devour him as well.
Now I hear whistling coming from up the path.
It’s the sulfuric acid vendor on his way home. I watch as he looks from the hole in the house to the pigtail hanging from my mouth.
“I trusted you!” he yells.
His lip starts to quiver and he rubs his eyes. Then he turns around and walks away with his head turned toward the ground.