College Essay

We were supposed to write the essay that we would be including in our college applications, instead I wrote this. I did not actually send this to any colleges but I did you a slightly altered version of the first paragraph.

Ever since I was just a young child, I knew that my dream was to rule the world.  If I am accepted to your fine college that puts me one step closer to accomplishing this task.  My foolproof plan is to infiltrate your college and graduate, for who has heard of a ruler of the world without a college diploma.  Once that is accomplished I shall move on with the rest of my plan, which I cannot reveal at this time for it is far too ingenious to let someone else get a hold of it. All of my plans depend on you accepting me so please do not foil them.

After the Earth accepts me as their ruler I will make many changes.  I will dye all of the oceans a different color.  The Atlantic will be red, the Pacific will be beige, the Indian will be yellow, and the Arctic will be orange.  I will pass a law requiring everyone to touch their left ear while passing through a door.  All seafood products will be banned with a punishment of seventy years probation for anyone found with any.  I will make egg nog available year-round and all Got Milk signs will be replaced by Got Egg Nog signs.  All television dinners produced from then on will be required to contain no more than three strips of turkey bacon, but no less than one.  I will force scientists to cure all of the diseases and invent flying cars and faster-than-light travel.

I will make all of the citizens of Australia move out and turn the entire continent into my palace.  This magnificent palace will have 50,000 rooms, four of which will be bathrooms.  I will preserve all of the wildlife and let them roam freely in my palace.  I will also collect animals from all over the world and release them into my palace.  My throne room will be circular with huge windows all the way around, overlooking the yellow ocean on one side and the beige ocean on the other side.  The ceiling will be one humongous skylight and the floor will be made of rubber.  The throne itself will be a very comfortable recliner.  I look forward to this future very much so please do not stifle my dreams.

If you do not accept me I shall destroy your Dean of Admissions and turn his carcass into a foot rest.  I shall demolish every last one of your lecture halls to make room for one of my swimming pools or perhaps a movie theater.  All of your libraries and administration buildings will be filled with serpents and other assorted beasts.  Your dormitories will be used to house my endless army.  Your entire student body will be grounded up into a fine powder and put into an antique hour glass which I will use to tell time.  This inaccurate time telling device will eventually lead to my downfall but I am okay with that.  All of the teachers and professors will become slaves in my palace and the dean will serve me egg nog.

If you do not want any of that to happen then all you have to do is accept me to your college.

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